hope anchors the soul.

ah.. found a pile of papers as I was looking for past exams for a friend.  Reading through multiple drafts of letters I had addressed to you and never actually sent.  I honestly can’t remember which ones I actually ended up sending you, and which ones I decided (for probably good reason) not to.  Some of these are literally. ridiculous.  Haha, I’ll forever be a pack rat with these sort of things.  

Amongst finding random QT notes from last spring, a drawing that a friend gave me of pokemon playing tennis on a UW court wielding my tennis racquet… I found something that you had written me at one point.  

“Sometimes our lives get a little hectic, but you can always be secure in this, God always has a plan for our lives — good plans, and He will never let us down.  In everything … I want us to be obedient to God, and always put His plans before ours.”

I’ve probably read this letter more times than I’d admit to reading it when I had received it, and this line didn’t really strike me in those particular moments.  But right now, this combined with reading my past notes to myself… it’s definitely the reminder that I’ve needed.

It’s always been the little things.  Simple gestures, words, and actions.  Even remembering seemingly insignificant things.  It’s always been everything to me.  If it were one of the love languages, it would definitely, hands down, be mine.

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I hate talking about myself.  Especially with strangers, but I kind of like answering the questions they ask in behavioral interviews.  Actually I think I kinda like interviewing, but I haven’t been in any sort of intense interview and all my interviewers have always been fairly pleasant/always get off topic and chime in with their own experiences that parallel whatever I was addressing about myself.  

+ it’s kind of fun to answer those questions that are meant to trip you up and make you admit that contrary to what you’ve been saying about yourself.  You’re terrible.

Ah, so excited about even the thought of getting this internship.  :D

Interview tomorrow for an internship that if I got, I would be SO excited for this summer.  Business + Seattle + Health Care related?  I’ve been thinking about someday down the road when I want to settle down a bit more and don’t want to work crazy schedules.. instead of reverting back to family practice — the thought of going into Health Care Admin sounds fun. I mean, that’s where you can have a legitimate impact on healthcare… as a whole. (I could go on for days, but I’ll stop) Basically this internship is exactly what I want.

Haha, but I can’t help but imagine that this excitement/anxiousness is just a taste of how I’m going to feel before Med school interviews.  (:  

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Anyone who has ever met each member of my family would be pretty surprised to find out how different we are.  In fact, I still get weird stares and comments from people from church when they find out who my siblings are (and these are people that I’ve known for… 13 years now?).  Anyways, this past month has been interesting.  With my mom’s diagnosis of breast cancer and just going from honestly not knowing what to expect to recently finding out that basically everything is exactly what we had been hoping for.   It’s been interesting.  

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“as long as you know God will hold you up, you know when you fall God will pick you up.”  P. Judah Smith

I can’t even begin to describe how blessed I am to be able to listen to Pastor Judah Smith week in and week out.  Can’t believe I’ve been here for over a year.  Haha, actually, I can’t believe I was at Mars Hill for over a month before I finally came to the City Church… even though when I had first come to UW, it was my intention to start going to GC immediately because of all I had heard about it.  Funny how things work out.  But seriously, so blessed.  And this new series is pretty crazyy.  (:  

Seriously, what is this?  I just got an e-mail telling me to check my financial aid status,  and what do I find?  That they had increased that grant they had given me at the beginning of the quarter to $2000/quarter.  That’s more than double what I was already really happy about.  Basically next quarter between my loans and this, I won’t have to worry about paying for tuition + more.  

This is seriously too good to be true.  (maybe this is a bit too personal, but yeah)  ~$2500 to be disbursed into my bank account shortly.  Tuition covered next quarter.  For once in my life, not having to ask my parents or sister to help me out and even being able to give them back a small fraction of how much they’ve already been giving me…  ridiculous.

A friend who recently had things work out ridiculously in his favor, was talking about how ridiculously good it is.  How favor isn’t fair.

Seriously, favor isn’t fair.

(I’ll write a better post when I’m not so excited hahaha) 

haha, I find it that everything I wrote in my notebook during this past October, makes me sound like this completely faith-filled person, but really I was probably the complete opposite.  But I guess sometimes, you have to keep declaring to yourself what you know is true, even if you find it hard to completely believe it’s true at the time.

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Today, honestly should have been the best day I’ve had in a while.  Good news from the doc about my mom, got that job I interviewed for, and got offered an interview for the GHC internship that I REALLY want for this summer. But I couldn’t help but think about how much things have changed in the last few months.  I mean, I’ve gotten used to the thought of being able to tell you about every seemingly significant thing that goes on in my life — and honestly.  It’s weird not being able to anymore, mostly because it was pretty odd in the first place since I’ve never been the type of person to want to tell anyone. anything.  

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dear physics, 
please don’t kill me tomorrow, because I already kind of feel like death.

It’s kind of weird, looking through my notes during October — haha this month alone accounts for… half of what I’ve written in this journal…  I remember constantly thinking to myself, “am I really this faithless right now.  I mean, is my faith in You really being shaken this much because of what happened earlier this month?”  But reading back on my notes — my simple declarations of what I know and what I believe despite the fact that there didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason in my life that I could see at the moment.  I’m sure it encouraged me back then, even though I felt pretty discouraged in the moment.

“Save me because of your unfailing love.” Psalm 6:4

I know you won’t bring me out of this because I deserve it, but because of who you are.  You love me.  Your love for me is unfailing.  No matter what I do or what I say.  You love me.  And that’s why right now, I can be sure in the fact that You’ll bring me through this.

“Do not be terrified by them, for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God.”  Deuteronomy 7:21

I know it’s hard to look up into the obstacles this next year and not be scared.  And I know it’s hard to look back at what happened and not be scared as well.  I know and I understand.  But you also have to know and remember that God is bigger.  He’s bigger than any situation I’ve faced and any situation I’m going to face.  The fact of the matter is, He’s already faced it all.  and guess what — He kind of already won.  He kind of already knows the outcome of any circumstance heading your way.

hahaha, I ramble at myself a lot.  But, it’s true.  I know it’s natural to be scared.  It’s natural to look back at all the things that have fallen apart and to look forward into the future at all the things you DON’T want to fall apart and be slightly intimidated.  But He’s been there and He’s already won the victory.  Seriously?  How crazy is that?

“It is a land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end.”  Deuteronomy 11:12

 He cares about the future He is leading you into.  He’s constantly watching over it, caring for it, and cultivating it.  He’s known about it since the beginning.  I know it hurts right now.  I know that all you want to do is stop, sit here, and wait until things seem like they’re going to get better.  But come on Kelly, things will get better. After all, He kind of has this ridiculous, crazy, more than you can imagine future planned for you.  So why wouldn’t you want to go there?

nonelikejesus:

 By: Kara McCool

Valentine’s Day. It’s the best of times or the worst of times. From the first kindergarten card exchange, we all begin to feel validated or vandalized by this unavoidable bombardment of mushy cards and candy hearts. Immediately, we understand the less we receive on this infamous day, the less we are loved.

Many of us have grown up feeling our value is measured in the flutters we feel from words of affirmation on paper hearts, gathered up in red roses, or melting away in empty boxes of chocolate. But the love on parade during Valentine’s Day should be based on so much more than momentary, flashy displays of affection.

I’ve come to understand that love is commitment. It’s not a feeling because feelings fade. It’s not an emotion because emotions can be deceiving. More than anything else, love seems to me to be a determination—a determination to hold onto something or someone even when everything else in your world falls to pieces at your feet. Much like the glitter and string from those cheesy Valentine’s Day cards that all of our mothers adored us for.

This Valentine’s day, don’t let this world convince you love is found in anything but the determination displayed on Calvary’s cross. Don’t be fooled into thinking love is merely a soft, fluffy token of affection like a stuffed teddy bear from your latest crush. The love Christ displayed is intense, gritty, and yet strong enough to bind us to Him for all eternity!

We should all understand this when pursuing any relationship because the love we profess should be modeled after His! Although love can be soft and beautiful like the coveted, candlelit dinner date on Valentine’s night, it can also be intense and painful like the forgiveness required for a loved one’s lie or betrayal.

Please don’t misunderstand me! Everyone should feel the glee and giddiness of Valentine’s Day! So please, blow up those balloons. Bling out those cards. Swagger those Build-a-Bears! But remember what love really looks like—bruised and broken for your sake. A letter signed in blood, sealed by love, and delivered to you for all eternity!

but I should finish what I started yeah?  I’m kinda rushing through now.  august through just the beginning of October… fun stuff.  

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Woke up, went to church, ate lunch, went back to church.

Pretty productive day if you ask me — I’ve missed days like this, reminds me of TCPC.

haha, digging through my old xanga accounts is kind of fun.  I was such a depressing child…. (but I guess I still kind of am..) this is probably the most positive post I could find from 2005-2009 pre-teen/teenage angst Kelly..

It’s ridiculous that when I stop caring, it starts happening.
That when I finally decide to give it up, it all starts to work out.
but I do like it. 

hahaha, seriously.  This blog is pure gold.  ah.  excuse me as I go private all my posts because I think a few of you actually know what xanga account I’m referring to… and I don’t want anyone else to be able to laugh at how dumb I was…

finetipnib:

Facebook. And people on Facebook. I just posted this page with THE BEST COMMENTARY in response to a friend posting a stupid bro-tip saying that “ladies, nice guys are in the friend-zone where you left them” 

http://tinydragongina.tumblr.com/post/15229106439/reminbee-wtfniceguys-delacroix

And I only received bitterness from this, people saying that this is taken too far, how is the friend-zone related to misogyny, this bro-tip is simply stating the hypocrisy behind women who are friends with “nice guys” and only date “ass-holes” and want someone nice but simply choose NOT to date “nice guys” that happen to be friends.

Maybe that’s what it is. SINCE YOU’RE NICE, AND COOL, AND FRIEND-WORTHY, WE’RE FRIENDS WITH YOU. WE’RE NOT GOING TO FUCKING DATE YOU OR HAVE SEX WITH YOU. YOU’RE A FUCKING FRIEND, AND YOU HAVE NO DAMN RIGHT TO SAY ANYTHING. Girls don’t even say this shit when guys complain about finding a nice girl. Unless you’re Taylor fucking Swift.  I’m just so angry that people can’t understand. 

And this one dude says “That blog is missing the point. It’s not about an expectation that being friendly will lead to sex. That’s not an expectation any guy should have.” Yeah, guys SHOULDN’T expect sex, but some do. And a fuck-ton of guys go into a friendship with a girl expecting them to fall in love with them; when this doesn’t happen, either the guy sticks around, WAITING for her to fall in love with him, fucking playing a part with the worst intentions behind every kind action that he puts forth OR simply peaces out.

Whatever option it leads to, it hurts. To realize that your friend only wanted to be around you simply because he wanted to date you, that your friendship isn’t worth anything. 

Last sentence.  truth.